talk is cheap.
It’s strange how we all live, every day an experience richer, yet refuse to learn from failures if the lesson stands in the way of our illusions. Some people are so hellbent on repeating the same actions for an infinite amount of times, always expecting new results, and constantly perplexed by the fact that the outcome is still- the- same. Granted, we’ve been taught not to give up on people, and always to assume there’s room for change, so more often than not, we allow people the benefit of the doubt. 100% of the time, words aren’t worth more than the person you hear utter them, so the most important lesson we can teach ourselves is to believe in actions ahead of them. How incredibly naive to think that someone can live up to their promises, especially the ones that leave no room for all the things that might go wrong. Optimism is great when you are a child, but when we’re faced with the cruel reality of the world and all its other residents, optimism becomes nothing more but a quaint fixture of childhood, like the Tooth Fairy and Santa. It is not an option for anyone who’s left the safety of their own home, and illusions, in recent time. Sure, every once in a while there will be a report of a sunshine story, but most of what we’re faced with doesn’t exactly encourage the belief in humanity. As much as you may want to believe what someone tells you, for the sake of your sweet childish beliefs and naivete, it’s not an option. Instead, we are all better off basing our judgment on experience and actions. Don’t be so quick to throw caution to the wind, and don’t assume things without knowing them for a fact. Our emotions are fragile and easily damaged,we should be guarding them with all our might, instead of trusting the smallest inclinations. Our hearts aren’t as easily healed as we wish, and pain doesn’t go away overnight. At times it stays with us for years and affects the decisions we make thereafter, not to mention our views towards ourselves.
I’m aware that in this tremendously big and selfish world, people are starved for someone to share their lives with; someone to make it all worth while. But this can’t be a choice you offer anyone; it’s something you offer those who haven’t caved at the first hurdle, those who are brave enough to admit that there will be dark days, those who have the courage to tell you they don’t have it all figured out, but would enjoy the company on the road to enlightenment, and lastly those who never promise you more than they can offer today. It might not be the grand romantic gesture that you foolishly believe is going to happen eventually if you keep believing hard enough, but it’s the only promise of something real and and worthwhile. Don’t spend your time looking for love and for the extraordinary to happen, it won’t. Don’t have high expectations for anyone, let them set the bar. Don’t be disappointed by someone who doesn’t behave a certain way, your expectations are not their cross to carry. Life is not a Nicholas Sparks novel, and finding people to share it with is not an instant thing. It’s not built on what you see. Live your life fearlessly and let every person you meet influence and shape you. Eventually, you’ll find that someone has been a greater influence than everyone else. Spend more time with that person, and enjoy the fact that you have encountered someone who inspires you. Not just someone who you think could be the great love of your life, but someone who actually has done something and offered you something of value on an intellectual and emotional level. Those people are worth keeping around, because when appearance and promises fade, you’ll still have someone around to inspire you to keep going in this sometimes meaningless, monotonous existence that we lead.
Build on what you know, and what you experience, not on what you think and assume.
Lately I find myself with a strong urge to write and tell stories, just sadly I’m not gifted with the amounts of time I used to have. Its strange to think that even at this age, I still am puzzled by life and the events that sometimes occur. I’m taken aback by people whom I thought I had figured out, for better or for worse, and I am constantly trying to keep up with my new findings. People, as much as you want to put them in boxes and let them stay there forever in order for you to easily navigate through them, will not remain the same. I’ve realized in order to keep your sanity, you have to accept them for what they are. One disappointment will in the long run be nothing more than an anecdote you can hopefully laugh at when time has settled the differences. Whether I am being a bad friend, or it is being done to me, I realize that sometimes its necessary. We are simple creatures, and we will always put ourselves first. We might one day be faced with an identical situation and realize our wrongs, and hopefully when we do, we can acknowledge our own shortcomings. We might not, and remain one experience without. Either way, it’s highly likely that we, much like our friends whom we sometimes expect the world from, have offered our own share of shit to those closest to us. I tend to hold a grudge for much longer than benefits me. Not out of anger, but out of hurt and it’s difficult for me to think of a situation in which I was hurt without reliving it over again. However, as I mature and hopefully, grow wiser, I try to not let myself get hung up over the small things. The days and the years are passing faster than I ever saw them coming, and it brings with it some sort of perspective. It’s certainly true when they say that as you age, you tend to romanticize experiences past. Personally, I’ve found it to be a great tool in life only to remember the things that profoundly changed me, and only to remember them fondly. Surely, the bad never completely goes away, but it seems insignificant in comparison.
I’ll never tire of the simple wonder of your slowburning love.
Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry, sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough, I don’t know why. Keep making me laugh, let’s go get high, the road is long, we carry on try to have fun in the meantime.
There are some things about myself I can’t explain to anyone. There are some things I don’t understand at all. I can’t tell what I think about things or what I’m after. I don’t know what my strengths are or what I’m supposed to do about them. But if I start thinking about these things in too much detail the whole thing gets scary. And if I get scared I can only think about myself. I become really self-centered, and without meaning to, I hurt people. So I’m not such a wonderful human being.
“I will remember the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
who made me laugh
― Charles Bukowski
How many of us get stuck in one certain point of our past, one person that in our minds changed our perception on life and love and draw comparisons to that very event for the rest of our lives. Everything of course fades in comparison, not because it isn’t good enough or even better, but because nothing can match that first feeling of complete and utter infatuation, the feeling that one person is your meant to be. Even after it’s left buried in the rubble, we continue living because you can’t be a spectator in your own story, someone has to live it to tell it, but nothing ever quite feels the same after. For me it was a fairly brief encounter. I’ve been through things much more complicated and real, but they never left me with the feeling that they were my forever. One person still does and the fact that they are a continued presence in my life makes it that much harder to ignore and archive in the past drawer. This person once claimed I would forever have his heart, even after I broke it, and that he will always be left wondering what if, although he could never trust me enough to commit emotionally again. This person has a tendency of fucking everything up, even if completely despite his intentions. He doesn’t know better, he legitimately thinks that he is doing everything right and for the right reasons, but eventually it destroyed what we had built. No one ever acknowledged the blame, it was stuck somewhere in the nothingness that came to define us. I know he is wondering what if, still. I know because like me, even if he has removed himself from it, emotionally he is left standing there. Because like me, he hasn’t found anything that compares to the idealised version we have of us. I know because we have always remained the same, and even if we aren’t together, we are both still around and we can’t seem to make up our minds whether to stay or to leave. And ultimately either way the wind blows, we’re going to remain here completely engulfed in indecisiveness and fear. Fear of losing out if we move in either direction. Not to mention the fear of exploring something that in our minds still remains imperfectly perfect. No one likes their illusions shattered, somehow it seems more beautiful to let it be untouched and let the memories remind us that we once shared something good. Although it was laced and sullied by our flaws, it was still ours to keep forever.
If you’re reading this, it means I actually worked up the courage to mail it, so good for me. You don’t know me very well but if you get me started, I have a tendency to go on and on about how hard the writing is for me. This, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. There’s no easy way to say this so I’ll just say it. I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn’t looking for it, I wasn’t on the make. It was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another. Next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there’s this feeling in my gut: she might be The One. She’s completely nuts in a way that makes me smile, highly neurotic, a great deal of maintenance required. She is you, Karen. That’s the good news. The bad is that I don’t know how to be with you right now. And it scares the shit out of me. Because if I’m not with you right now, I have this feeling we’ll get lost out there. It’s a big, bad world full of twists and turns and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment, the moment that could have changed everything. I don’t know what’s going on with us, and I can’t tell you why you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me. But damn you smell good. Like home. And you make excellent coffee — that’s got to count for something, right? Call me.
I don’t understand how people don’t regret things, I have more regrets and wishes than I can count. Just sometimes I wish I had acted with my heart instead of my brain. My heart always lost the battle.
Don’t look back
I have a tendency of going back to old things when something new doesn’t work out. It’s safe and easy. The beauty of the old is not having to get acquainted with new information or new people. You can just fall in where you left. And who’s to say new is better than old? Maybe when the old was new, the time was wrong. Maybe it will be better second or third or fourth time around. No? No. Although the future and new are unknown, it’s the only road to take. The past can be so tempting at times, I should know, but repeating the same cycle over and over is tedious and doesn’t bring you anything to build from. You know how that story goes. You told it. You lived it. Move on. I’m trying to, I really am.
As a consequence of a list of failed friendships and relationships, I find myself not caring about other people’s feelings. Whereas I used to put everyone before myself, now I can’t even find the empathy within me to put myself in someone else’s shoes. I’m much more careless with whom I hurt and how they are affected by it. Truth is, I’ve probably lost a lot of the person I used to be only some years ago, and I don’t know whether to celebrate or mourn it. I’m not affected by losing friendships the way I used to be, in fact I see it as something inevitable and in most cases replaceable. I don’t have the capacity to nourish 40 friendships at once, and if people don’t move me the way they used to, or have removed themselves physically I don’t put in that extra effort to keep myself updated on what they’re doing. In a way losing your sensitivity to things is helpful during things that might normally be devastating, but in an even bigger way it’s a tragedy because I can hardly recognize myself anymore, and I wonder if my old friends can either. I rarely wonder about these things though, and most of the times I go about life as if nothing has happened, and everything is completely normal, after all you can’t cry for something you have the ability to change, but refuse to do.
What saddens me the most is that in terms of love, this careless approach seems to work the best. I used to think that if you are kind, loyal and loving enough in a relationship, that’s all that matters and needs to create something lasting. Sadly, my previous good nature has been abused several times in a short period of time, and I’ve noticed the less I care, the more they seem to. It’s not how things are supposed to be, and in a perfect world we would all be clear about what we want, like and need, but the world is far from perfect and so are we. So I’ll go along with it, I am too tired to fight the nature of life and what it’s become. Truthfully, if you’re the only one fighting, it seems like an already lost battle.