As a consequence of a list of failed friendships and relationships, I find myself not caring about other people’s feelings. Whereas I used to put everyone before myself, now I can’t even find the empathy within me to put myself in someone else’s shoes. I’m much more careless with whom I hurt and how they are affected by it. Truth is, I’ve probably lost a lot of the person I used to be only some years ago, and I don’t know whether to celebrate or mourn it. I’m not affected by losing friendships the way I used to be, in fact I see it as something inevitable and in most cases replaceable. I don’t have the capacity to nourish 40 friendships at once, and if people don’t move me the way they used to, or have removed themselves physically I don’t put in that extra effort to keep myself updated on what they’re doing. In a way losing your sensitivity to things is helpful during things that might normally be devastating, but in an even bigger way it’s a tragedy because I can hardly recognize myself anymore, and I wonder if my old friends can either. I rarely wonder about these things though, and most of the times I go about life as if nothing has happened, and everything is completely normal, after all you can’t cry for something you have the ability to change, but refuse to do.

What saddens me the most is that in terms of love, this careless approach seems to work the best. I used to think that if you are kind, loyal and loving enough in a relationship, that’s all that matters and needs to create something lasting. Sadly, my previous good nature has been abused several times in a short period of time, and I’ve noticed the less I care, the more they seem to. It’s not how things are supposed to be, and in a perfect world we would all be clear about what we want, like and need, but the world is far from perfect and so are we. So I’ll go along with it, I am too tired to fight the nature of life and what it’s become. Truthfully, if you’re the only one fighting, it seems like an already lost battle.

Insomnia…

We always think other people have the wrong idea of who we are, but what if we are the deluded ones and everyone else is right? I’ve always been decent at pointing out my flaws, merely because I am so intensely aware of them, that I do my best to cover them up at all times and steer attention in the opposite direction. People always believe that I am as stoic as I appear, it’s something I’ve worked at and perfected. When you hide your flaws you also learn how to work with the positives. Unfortunately, sometimes that turns into overcompensation. I wasn’t aware of all the ways I may come off superior and insensitive to other people.

The thing with most people is they either assume you are the way you are because you choose to and accept it, or are too afraid to tell you the honest truth. Most of us lie to each other on a daily basis, if only to protect one another. I have a friend who I seriously think could benefit from sessions with a mental health professional, but telling them that isn’t one of those truths that people appreciate. So we sugarcoat things and instead make the flaws bearable for ourselves and one another.

Little did I know that I would ever meet a person who knew exactly what I was doing and didn’t fall for the cover-up. I’ve been blessed/cursed with a boyfriend who chooses to be completely honest and frankly I’m not excited about it. Being told that I act in a certain way which is completely different from the way I view myself isn’t the greatest thing in life, especially when the things I’m told are negative and difficult to embrace. But however hurtful it may be to know, it’s in a way nice to hear the truth about the way I may appear to people. I’m not here to please anyone and everyone, I am aware that most people are always going to find things to complain about, but when my boyfriend is affected by the way I talk to him and is hurt to the point of feeling helpless, it’s a bigger problem than meets the eye. All the things I do; like correcting people’s improper use of language which makes them feel stupid, or always competing with them in a way that I consider joking but which is essentially cruel and hurtful isn’t something I want to associate myself with. It’s so hard to change some things about yourself that you haven’t considered problems before, but it’s even harder to know that someone you love has been hurt by your thoughtless actions. And some people are worth changing for, especially if it’s for the better.

This post is dedicated to friends. Lovely, sweet, thoughtful, caring & swagga having motherfucking friends. Too many posts have revolved around fleeting love affairs that don’t necessarily deserve the attention they get, just like the people they have been about. But friends are the real deal. If you, like me, are blessed for reasons unbeknown to you, you will have that one or two groups of friends that make your life fucking awesome even when everything else is a drag.

I’ll admit, I haven’t always been this lucky. I used to have trouble finding real friends. I used to find that people would gladly enjoy my company during the good times, but as soon as I was struggling with something, they would distance themselves and wait for better times to come around. I would like to pretend I wasn’t in any way guilty of having people like that in my life, but I guess it’s safe to say that there used to be a time when my priorities weren’t in order, and making friends with people who were cool was more important than with those who were real. The friends I have now are people who have been genuine throughout our friendship, and I feel like I have owed them to be every bit the same in return, although bonding and opening up haven’t been strengths of mine, and still aren’t. The fact is that I’d rather spill my guts to a bunch of strangers online through my blog than I would do my friends. However, when someone shares something of importance to them with you, you can’t continue to be a closed book, eventually it becomes stale and fake, regardless of what my intentions are. My life is far from completely in order and flawless, but the biggest positive of all is looking forward to hanging out with them every time, every day, because I know that all my worries will be gone for the duration of that time. And although the love you get from your friends can never compare to that of a relationship, nothing can ever compare to the comfort your friends provide when that relationship isn’t living up to expectations, or life in general is being a bitch towards you.

To anyone reading this, if your friends don’t make you excited to be alive and thankful to have them in your life, you need new friends. Even if they aren’t necessarily bad people per se. There is no reason to be surrounded by negativity and people that constantly drag you down with them, and there is even less of a reason to be with people you’re counting minutes to be released from. Life should be enjoyed. Every day isn’t ever going to be a fairytale and bad things will continue to occur, but every day should still contain moments that make you appreciate being alive, not regret it. They know I love them, but if they were reading this I would want all the special boys and girls to know how much I love and appreciate their presence in my life, and that I’m looking forward to many years of sushi eating, ice skating, group wrestling, balloon dancing, drunken stumbling, movie watching, hookah smoking, party hopping, paper writing, deadline making, football playing, heart spilling, men hating, old school skipping, music chilling, life exploring moments we are yet to have together.

Is Facebook doing anything to help relationships or is it worsening them? Facebook is presented to us as a website to bring us closer to our friends, help us share the special moments in life and connect to the people we don’t get to see on a daily basis. However, the entire idea has backfired and in all actuality it seems like a planned effect, because in every capacity it’s a great thing for the big boys in charge. People used to agree that facebook wasn’t to be taken seriously and isn’t an actual reflection of a person’s life, and we can all agree that people do pick and choose what to show others, but in most cases, it’s become harder and harder to control. I know of countless friendships and couples that have suffered from too much shared information. The simple action of liking or commenting something gets taken out of context, misunderstood, and creates insecurity and arguments. Heated discussions between friends can become an actual problem in the relationship they share and causes “de-friending”.

Whereas we used to share our private persona with the few people we deemed worthy of it, and everyone else got the cliff-notes version of us, we now share the full versions with classmates from 10 years ago and co-workers, completely deleting the barrier that used to exist between the different parts of our lives.

Facebook may have replaced some unnecessary social interaction with people in our lives while keeping the “bond” alive, but it certainly also has brought forth with it its downfalls. Maybe we were better off back in the day when some things never came to the surface, some of our opinions were kept private and didn’t create unnecessary friction, and when we met people on the street from our past, we were able to ask each other what we each had been up to. Relationships had mystery and we didn’t get obsessed about certain people in our significant other’s lives, over analysing every move and click. Not to mention the reoccurring that appears on public outings with friends, which turns out to be a check-in and commenting fest, turning normally talkative and interesting people into facebook addicted monsters sharing a laugh with an electronic device rather than their present company.

I’m not usually very nostalgic, but I miss wondering and being curious about people. This one click away mentality has taken away huge parts of getting to know people, and with that, the relationships we have tend to feel much more artificial and stale.

Why is it always all or nothing? I have never been able to look at life in a nuanced, balanced way. Everything is either going swimmingly or it’s complete and utter gloom. Either I am over the moon with my life, or I’m completely down in the dumps. When one aspect is going terribly I can’t sit down and allow the good things to weigh it out. When I believe in something, I believe in it completely, unwaveringly. When that belief is proved to be wrong, I believe in nothing at all.

I find myself wanting to do everything at once, and when I fail, I give up on EVERYTHING, and not just the things that overwhelm me. I trust people blindly and believe in their absolute utmost, until proven wrong and it becomes natural to expect the absolute worst in any given situation, by any person, prior offences or lack thereof deemed irrelevant. 

I need faith in the good, the positive, the kind and to have my trust in the world restored. Just like bad things, good things happen all the time, they’re just taken for granted because we hope and although we won’t admit it, we expect things to go well for us. Only when something disappoints do we take the time to think about why it happened and what caused it to happen. Maybe we should consider what causes good things to happen as well, and try to incorporate the positive in our thoughts too, and not just take it for granted.

Lately I’ve come to realize how much pain and suffering people keep to themselves. Close friends that I thought I knew through and through have revealed things to me that have stunned me, things that they’ve carried with them for long periods of time and haven’t revealed because they were afraid of judgement. It’s things like that that make me realize how alone we actually are and how alone we all feel at times. I trust all the people in my life and each and one of them are people I consider loyal friends that I’ve grown to love and respect. It’s been long since I’ve had anyone in my life that I didn’t genuinely want to be there. Yet, there is a whole list of things that I keep to myself. Fears, doubts, issues, insecurities. All the negatives that we never want anyone to see because we’re afraid it would chip at the perception they have of us. After some bonding with a couple of my best girl friends and them opening up to me about heavy things I’ve realized I’m not the only one who likes to keep to herself. I would never have imagined them to have the issues they have, just as they probably can’t ever guess which insecurities I deal with on a daily basis because as much as we want, people can’t guess what we don’t tell them. Personally, I rarely ever share my inner most thoughts with anyone, and to be frank I don’t have a reason not to. I’m not afraid that people in my life would love me less or abandon me for thinking as I thing, in fact they could probably help me deal with the things that bother me, but I’m not ready to share nor do I feel any pressuring need to do so. I have learnt to take care of myself and to deal with my issues as I go.

It’s however important to remember that no one is as together as they may seem, and no one has it all figured out - truly. Even the one friend that seems to be in control of every aspect of his or her life has a skeleton in their closet.

It’s that time of the year to make new year’s resolutions and attempt our very best to stick with them, even if only for a couple of weeks but hopefully long term, because we all know there is a reason we make those resolutions. We need the changes, it’s committing to them that’s a hassle but every road needs a first step.

I’ve had another tumultuous year with both great things happening to me, and some less great. As per usual, I don’t overthink too much what I should have done differently because it’s an impossible hypothesis to be in, and it’s fruitless, but it can be helpful in recognizing what to do differently in the future, if one ends up in a similar situation. My only regret is that I don’t always know what I want, and my indecision comes to bite me in the ass because opportunities slip away before me while I take my time to decide which road to take. I’m too afraid of failure, and I always have been, and in terms of decisions it’s been a major clutch for me. My life might be completely different today had I not feared to take the necessary steps towards big changes. But alas, that time has passed.

What I would like to do for myself in the coming year is to take the important things more seriously, and to lighten up around the ones that aren’t. I would love to for once feel the serenity of having every aspect of my life sorted. Educationally, occupationally, financially, emotionally. It’s a lot to ask and to be fair I don’t expect miracles to happen any time soon that would make my life a bed of roses, but feeling satisfied doesn’t mean things are perfect, it just means they’re good through my eyes.

I’ve been told that I take things to heart that shouldn’t matter that much. I can’t be sure what it’s due, it might be some childhood scar that makes me insecure about any sort of negativity towards me, even when it’s in good fun. I would love to be able to shrug at things and not nitpick and analyse how and why. I know that the people I surround myself with only have my best interest at heart, and for once I feel like all the people in my life deserve to be there and are great influences on me, so I really have no need to be as wary as I have been in the past.

Last but not least, I want to be a better daughter. It doesn’t take much, but I’ve been doing too little. My parents are so very easy to satisfy and yet I always keep postponing them for other things. I postpone my calls and my visits always thinking I’m missing out on something I’d rather be doing, forgetting that they won’t always be around and once they aren’t, I’ll regret not being around. After countless conversations with friends about family and parents I can safely say that I’ve had the most positive and privileged upbringing of anyone that I know, and that’s completely and entirely thanks to my parents and their relentless hard work to provide for their family, and all they ask in return is some quality time with the children they raised. My goal is to see them once a month in the coming year, it’s not much time out of my schedule, but I know it will mean the world to them.

Finally, I’d like to thank all of you for reading this little blog for the almost 2 years it’s been running now. I know my posting isn’t as regular as it has been, but I’ll look into improving it.

Have a happy and safe new year and be thankful for everything you have and have had in your life, sometimes precious memories are worth more than a thousand moments in the present time.

Not giving love without it being returned
You can’t profit from a love thats never been earned